Home Depot 101

Now comes the moment in every homeowner's life where one has to drive to the most dreaded place on the planet (other than Walmart or Best Buy) - HOME DEPOT.

Nick has told me that we may have plaster walls and why don't I research how to hang frames on such walls. I nodded my agreement to his face but inside felt like telling him that, truthfully, I'd much rather eat an unwashed beet from a pesticide infested garden than research anything about plaster walls.

The internet is a constantly shifting mirage of information - it LOOKS like there is a lot of information, but sometimes you're better off on your own and dealing with someone face to face. This led me to Home Depot. Loaded with the phrase TOGGLE BOLT, I jetted to the nearest Home Depot, with graceful directions from Moses, our trusted GPS.

So, with Moses in the car, I was able to find Home Depot and even avoid getting hit by rocks as I passed a group of children launching small pebbles at passing cars on the street. I am not used to Cleveland children yet.

Home Depot is, in a word, absurd. That building is the most ridiculous place on the planet. Walking through the front doors, I noticed people just hanging out, looking as if they were going to greet me - all wearing Home Depot bibs and dirt on their hands. No greeting.

My face was one blank canvas as I navigated this universe of doors, appliances, wires, and screws. There is every kind of imaginable bolt nestled in an aisle the size of a bowling alley. My stomach starting hurting from the impending anxiety. No one was around to help. Ugh, I began resenting homeownership.

One thing I noticed about Home Depot is that nearly EVERYONE is standing still. Everyone is, like, PAUSED in front of something and just staring at a screw, sliding glass door, or garage door opener as if they don't know what to do. I looked the part as I stood, stunned and indecisive, in front of the toggle bolt section wondering how my life had come to pass so that I have to understand the safe hanging strategies for plaster walls.

Luckily, I can read and do math and ended up choosing two packages. This was after I perused the carpet aisle, laundry washers, window treatments, and door replacements.

No one helped me except Rebecca in the laundry washer area who kept persuading me to purchase GE's newest and brightest machine at $700 because I would save so much money later in the water bill with its energy efficiency. Right.

And so, I went home and tried to put up curtain rods and started a long crack in one of the wooden panels of the window. Oh brother. Nick had to demonstrate how to put pressure into a screw so I don't flatter the head with each of my pathetic twists and grab the stepper so I can reach the top of the panel.

I totally understand now why everyone says that owning a home is a lifelong project. At this rate, it may be Christmas before I can get the blinds and curtains up.